why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
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you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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