im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
