he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
