I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
