dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
found the other keg... it's in the tree
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
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My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
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Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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