1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
