Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
