i permit you to call me
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
