i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
