don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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