I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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