Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
