If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
