The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
How does it feel to date your dad?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
