why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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