I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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