When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
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