I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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