I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
