He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
