My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
