no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
