why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.