It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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