grandma shit on top of the toilet
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
