I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize