there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
