My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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