i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
