mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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