I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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