I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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