i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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