Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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