if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
