You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
