I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
