I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
where are you?
Hypothermia
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
