I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
