Will you blow on my dice?
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
