I need to stop coming to work sober
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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