I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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