i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
