her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
