you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
