I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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