I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
