you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
