She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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