Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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