I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
