what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
