I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
