Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
