I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
