I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Randomize
