Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
