There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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