I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
