apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
